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As a 26-year-old Filipina living in a country that is hypocritical to its core, I am not surprised that we still have people who believe that body shaming or shaming in general can be perceived as funny/good and taken lightly. In a country that’s praised for being light-hearted and resilient, we sure know how to put each other down.

Growing up in a country and community that is constantly contradicting itself can get complicated. I grew up reading and watching Disney feel-good movies about accepting yourself and reading parables and fables about value. Yet, at the same time, I grew up surrounded with classmates, friends, and family that were brought up constantly being nit picky and made fun of other people’s flaws.

I used to think that respect was always a given. I soon learned that respect is something that is definitely earned. If somebody is rude or being obnoxious, being old or superior doesn’t give them the free pass to do so. I recently heard a family member tell me that body shaming is only something that is now called out. Before, it was considered normal and was fine because apparently, when you point something out, the person in question can change something about themselves that will make them better. I’m sorry but if shaming someone into changing something about their appearance is the accepted way of doing things, I’m not for it. This kind of thinking is horribly antiquated and unbelievably shallow. Who are we to think that criticizing somebody else can help them change? If anything, it simply puts them down while the person criticizing feels good about “helping them”. I don’t know about you guys, but that seems messed up to me.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation but here’s some part of my story: growing up I was pretty lanky and when I hit puberty, I started getting a bit bigger. When I started getting bigger, I heard a lot about it. “Uy, lumalaki ka na.” or “Sige ka, if you don’t control what you’re eating you’ll look like insert-family-member’s-name here.“ For a few years there, I believed that. I believed that the most horrible thing a person can be is fat. How horrible is it to let a child think ill of somebody else and consider them something that you shouldn’t ever be when all they had were some excess body fat?

Years and many “Ang laki laki mo na!” later, here I am, fatter than ever and still annoyed at every unsolicited comment about my body. It’s not like I haven’t had any effort in the matter. In fact, when they started saying I was getting bigger, I went to the gym, I dieted for a while. I crash-dieted, even. I’ve asked ates which diets they were on and tried going on it, too. I tried the HCG diet, where you take a hormone found in pregnant women and eat really little portions of food. I tried the keto diet, which only made me feel horrible and nauseous. When I was a sophomore in high school, I got sick and lost a couple of pounds. Whenever I felt like I ate a lot, there was a time I would try to puke it out. It didn’t become a thing but it easily could’ve. In college, there were days when I only ate a single banana for lunch or a shake for lunch and water the rest of the day. I cut out all carbs. At the same time, I went to the gym, I danced, boxed, ran, and did workouts. I got thinner… for about 3 months and I crashed again and spiralled into eating unhealthy food. I’d use all my breaks going to the gym, swimming for an hour or boxing for an hour, just to get thinner but I eventually plateau’d.

It’s honestly so exhausting. It sucks when you work so hard and you’d still hear, “Hala nagpayat ka na. Kulang pa.” or “Kaganda mo uy, taba lang!” as if it’s something normally said. Before, I used to resent it. I’d get hurt and keep it inside because you can’t answer back or else you’ll be called too sensitive or overdramatic. When has it been ever okay to insult people or give backhanded compliments and even guilt people into thinking it’s their fault? Gaslight, much?

Oh, and let’s not forget what triggered this blog post: using Catholic guilt to shame people into…. what? Thinning themselves down? People, it is 2021. You cannot use Catholic guilt into making people do things. First off, I’m pretty sure there’s something about not judging and people self-righteous in the Bible. Second, that is low. Saying Implying that somebody doesn’t love themselves because they’re big is horrible. Saying that they aren’t following the new commandment of loving yourself because they’re big and because they don’t know their current weight is absolutely reckless. First off, what do you know about that person’s life? Are you 100% sure they are not trying to lose weight and starving themselves? Are you 100% sure that your lecture will help them and not make them feel even worse about themselves and in turn make their relationship with food all the more horrible? Who are you to judge? I am someone used to this kind of manipulation but my sister shouldn’t have to be.

I later on learned that people also have a fun way of pointing out how different you looked in photos and have the gall to say, “You were so thin there! I thought you were already so fat but compared to now, your body there is so thin!” These instances made me realize that I spent so much time hating being fat, annoyed by everyone who poked fun and mentioned my weight, and focusing on the numbers on the weighing scale that I barely enjoyed growing up. Dude, I was 13 and people were talking about my weight and while I wasn’t even that fat back then, I had this notion that I could’ve looked better. I was 13 and I had summers when relatives would “police” what we ate and stop us when we ate more food or even just picked the wrong food in their opinion. What it did was give me a reason to hide my eating habits and binged in the dark. I could’ve had a healthy relationship with food and moderation but I was motivated to hide what I ate because of what I kept hearing and seeing.

I eventually learned to ignore all comments about my weight and call out people who fat-shame anyone. A person’s weight is never an okay topic outside a doctor’s office unless you are a doctor, dietician, or giving SOLICITED advise. I’m not saying I don’t have any accountability here. I am the way I am because of the food I eat and how I ate it. I had an unhealthy relationship with food. For the better part of 2020, I ate my weight in chips and junk food. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, I binged. But I was aware of it. These were conscious decisions brought about my stresses. I’m not saying it’s good or healthy that I know but the fact is: I shouldn’t need to explain myself to anyone who isn’t dealing with the things I deal with everyday.

I have worked so hard to accept the way I look and I don’t need to be reminded of how unpleasing I look in your eyes. Because the only opinion that matters is of our own. We can’t keep living in a world where insults and backhanded compliments foster. We’re supposed to be smarter and better than that. We’re living in a world where you can get anything you virtually need in a tap of a button, stop these antiquated practices and focus on bettering yourself than putting other’s down. The truth is we’re all working with flaws we’re trying to accept. Just because you can’t accept or focus on fixing your own flaw does not excuse you from spreading your misery around.

So I’m just going to state this: if I don’t know you well enough to see you everyday, or talk to you everyday, you don’t get to say or comment about how I look. (Actually even if we do see each other everyday, how about we talk about something else?) And this goes for everyone. It should become a general rule. If your existence in a person’s life is on and off, regardless if you’re related at all by blood, you don’t get to comment. How hard is it to get? We’re brought up with values and phrases like, “If you have nothing good to say, keep your mouth shut.” or “Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you” yet here we are, where its perfectly normal to greet people with, “Uy kumusta ka na? Lumalaki ka ah!” or in my very favorite Bisaya version, “DAKOA NA NIMO UY!”.

What fascinates me and horrifies me at the same time is the fact that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I posted an IG story talking about these issues and people responded with their own experiences. It’s horrible. Let people be. Don’t be so much of a control freak and pakialamera that you ruin people’s way of seeing themselves. Focus on bettering yourself, foster growth for yourself and others.

Here’s the truth: the more you force your opinions down somebody’s throat, the more you’re gonna get push back. If you want to motivate someone, say something else. Weight is already an uncomfortable topic as it is, don’t add to it by making unnecessary comments. If you see somebody getting bigger, chances are, they already know. They have mirrors and they are the ones living in their own skin. They know themselves better than you could ever. The fact that you’re pointing it out will only highlight more of their insecurities and might even cause their disheartenment from actually doing something for themselves.

Also, they are the only ones who can do something about it… should they choose to do so. Even if you repeatedly say that everyday or even every hour, the only thing that will diminish is the person’s relationship with you, not their weight. So, leave the backhanded compliments at home when you go out and see others. Instead, be kind.