dailygaelley

If there’s one thing I’m an expert of, it’s holding myself back. Hesitating and second-guessing are habits I’d been carrying since I was about 11 or 12. What I failed to realize was how it started dictating how my life went. It was in my last year in college that I allowed myself to speak up about my wants and not feel bad about it. It’s been a year since and I now realize that I’ve yet to learn how to actually walk the talk. So in case any of you want to know how to fail by holding yourself back, here’s a quick how-to:

1. Try and please everybody. Pressure yourself into not disappointing anyone– not even yourself. Drive yourself crazy with the pressure. Get angry. Blame people. Do what everyone else wants for you and don’t speak up about your wants.
2. Ignore the urge to back out even when your mind’s telling you to. You can’t disappoint people and look bad. You have to follow their desires. Live the life they want for you.
3. Actually excel in whatever it is they wanted. Congratulations!  You’re there! Wait, ignore that feeling of incompetence. You’re successful now. Don’t worry about it not being what you want!
4. Apply for the job you’ve got the degree for. Send out those applications! You’re in no position to choose, buddy!  Send, send, send!
5. Wait. Wait for all their responses. What? They say they need applicants with experience??? Psh. You’ve graduated. You got this.
6. Wait still. Ignore the gutted feeling of rejection you’re starting to feel. You’re getting there, bud. Chill out.
7. BE ACCEPTED!!! Finally!!!!  You’ve got THE job. You’re finally earning!!!! Way to go!
8. Work, work, work. Okay, now show off those hard-earned skills. Work hard for the approval of everyone around you. The pressure’s back. Excel, girl. You have to!
9. Die of boredom. “what the hell am I even doing here?!?!?!??!?!” 
10. Be Frustrated and quit the job. Realize you’re unhappy and unfulfilled. Quit job. Feel like you’re not doing your mission, whatever the hell that is.
11. Bum around for a couple of months. Binge-watch Netflix. Play video games. Text friends. Be sad that all your friends have work. Be depressed. Binge eat. Binge-drink. Wallow in self-pity. Seriously consider offing yourself. Be scared of how crazy you sound. Start thinking again.
12. Apply for the job YOU want.
13. Be disappointed because you aren’t qualified. “Degree in Etc etc required”… “Min. of 1 to 2 years experience in whichever field you want”. 
14. Fail. And Cry.
15. Cry. Wallow in self-pity.
16. Regain confidence and try again.
17. Fail again. 
18. Try again. Maybe harder this time.
19. Maybe fail again
20. This cycle will continue until you finally realize that you need to ignore the voices in your head saying you can’t do it.

Scary, no?

One thing I’d realized lately is how I had been scared of disappointing people… and I guess that’s one mindset that molded my life into what it is today. So when I opened up about my worries to a friend tonight, it didn’t surprise me that my sentences often ended in “… but I don’t know…” or  “Maybe… if ever I get the chance to…”. What surprised me was how he called me out on it. He told me to cut it out and just go for it. Whatever I was worried of will only be answered once I actually begin to TRY and do it. I’m probably going to fail… like everyone else. But that’s part of it, isn’t it?

I hadn’t had the courage to write resolutions this year because I thought I was just setting myself up for failure… once again. However, tonight’s talk with Kle kind of made me want to allow myself to fail… if that’s what it takes to get me closer to doing what I love doing. So, thanks for that, man. I also have to forget the whole “…but I don’t have the time” reasoning because it IS the lamest excuse there is.

So here’s to knowing what you want and working hard to get it— without any hesitations. Hello, 2017!